Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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