he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
In America we eat man semen.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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