My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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