she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
