Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
