whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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