You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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