First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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