I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
