walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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