i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
