dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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