I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
