Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
