So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
