Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
