I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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