Yo dont text me then not text me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
