Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
