I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
