I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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