Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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