Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.