I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.