Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.