is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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