there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
