I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
