I don't usually arrange sex via text message
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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