No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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