youre lurking in front of me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
