fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
