I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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