My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
