when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
