my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
