remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
