I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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