well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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