I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
