There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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