I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
