I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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