got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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