i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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