She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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