no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
