hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
