Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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