dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
