hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
