I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
