You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
