I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
