I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
