I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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