Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
