Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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