I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
