I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?