dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
