i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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