His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
