i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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