Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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