the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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